my chest hurts. feels heavy, and i'm really sad for some reason right now.

i was really happy and then all of a sudden i'm lower than shit. i feel like shit. i mean i am shit. seriously, i'm an insignificant bitch that needs a good ass whooping because i've gained too much confidence lately. it's like i feel guilty for being happy. all this shit going on in the world, people are dying and there's so much hate and pain and i'm happy for this one fleeting moment? how fucking stupid is that? why am i such a prick?

the spiders came back last night, now that was something i didn't expect. everything is going down, i feel like i'm melting or something. oh god i dont want to relapse right now. that would suck. i have no reason to want to anyways, i mean yeah there's the daily "oh i'm seeing a sharp object" kind of temptation but fuck, why right now? I'm happy? what the fuck? i seriously dont know what's going on right now and i'm seeing spiders again coming out of the walls. i need to be distracted.

i feel so lonely right now.

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