nate turned into an energizer bunny named jello biafra today. HAHAHAHA.

Seekingnate: yeah Iraq history is screwed up

NickNotSoupCat: i know it makes me really sad

Seekingnate: an insurrection every 5 years

Seekingnate: it should be three countries

NickNotSoupCat: yeah

Seekingnate: I'm so frustrated I got this really cool article called The news CNN doesn't report about the war with Iraq

Seekingnate: We gave Iraq the technology in the 80s to create chemical and biological weapons

NickNotSoupCat: yep and now we nanna take it away

NickNotSoupCat: cause we're fucking pussys, heh

Seekingnate: and Fuck Donald Rumsfield, that guy is ten times worse than Bush

Seekingnate: Bush is just ignorant Donald Rumsfield is a madman

NickNotSoupCat: who's rumsfield?

NickNotSoupCat: i have not heard of this fucker

Seekingnate: he's the Secretary of Defense

NickNotSoupCat: *shudder*

Seekingnate: I mean this guy denies involvement with him giving the knowledge to Iraq of Biological and Chemical weapons when it is right there that he was in on it

NickNotSoupCat: GAH!

NickNotSoupCat: idiot!

Seekingnate: Plus the only link to Al Quada that was found in Iraq was a group of Kurds who fucking hated Saddam

Seekingnate: honestly the media is shit

NickNotSoupCat: yep

Seekingnate: the funny thing is, everytime there has been an insurrection the Kurds have celebrated and then in a year or so revolt and cause choas

NickNotSoupCat: weird

NickNotSoupCat: it's like there's no pleasing them...heh

Seekingnate: that's why I think that the Kurdish, Sudi, and Shi'ites should all have a country

NickNotSoupCat: then there would be no fighting

Seekingnate: but people don't see that there are three tribes there and they all oppress each other they all need there own land and gov

NickNotSoupCat: yeah

Seekingnate: honestly if it wasn't for the 50 Billion dollar debt the UN gave Iraq after the first gulf war, there economy wouldn't of gotten so bad, and 80000 children wouldn't of died

Seekingnate: I mean I don't like Saddam Huessain but who the hell are we to sit here and tell them what government they should have

NickNotSoupCat: i completely agree

Seekingnate: it's like the fucking Hungary revolt, where the fuck was the United States then when people rose up for there freedom only to be slaughter by Russia

Seekingnate: what about fucking Cambodia, when Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people

Seekingnate: which not to mention he took power because of United States

Seekingnate: partly due to Vietnam

Seekingnate: sorry anger

NickNotSoupCat: it's alright

NickNotSoupCat: i understand

NickNotSoupCat: i'm pretty pissed too

NickNotSoupCat: hell, syria?? what the fuck is that all about?? it's turning into fucking muslim genocide, i swear

NickNotSoupCat: bush is going on a fucking crusade

Seekingnate: yeah I know I wish I knew more about the country of Syria, but I mean there is no reason that I can see to invade it, I mean the reasons for Iraq for bad enough

NickNotSoupCat: yeah

NickNotSoupCat: the thing that stumps me is taht people are STILL supporting bush's decisions and they aren't even realizing we're starting to attack contries just because they're muslim. it's goddamn imperialism.

NickNotSoupCat: I say we chalk tonight.

NickNotSoupCat: after the show

Seekingnate: sounding like a good possibility

NickNotSoupCat: yeah all i need is to go get some chalk after class

Seekingnate: I mean the American public needs to turn off Fox and read

NickNotSoupCat: word

NickNotSoupCat: hey you guys dont need the female vox anymore do you?

Seekingnate: I mean who could ever believe Geraldo Rivera

Seekingnate: I don't know that's Dan's decision

NickNotSoupCat: geraldo rivera? who's that?

Seekingnate: the fucking talk show host

NickNotSoupCat: oh i dont watch tv much

Seekingnate: he was a war correspondant

NickNotSoupCat: grr

Seekingnate: A talk show host?!?!

NickNotSoupCat: heh

Seekingnate: I mean the UN spent about three Billion dollars and almost put Cambodia back together despite all the strife we'll spending so so much more than that to destroy Iraq and rebuild it as our lacky, it's new colonism

Seekingnate: I mean if we wanted to poke our nose in foriegn affairs why don't we use some diplomacy and make it better and not worse for the people

NickNotSoupCat: word

Seekingnate: but no it's so much easier just to kill them then I won't have to use my brain and I can set up a puppet adminstration benefit my vice presidents old oil company Halliburton, won't that make the people feel better

NickNotSoupCat: you sound like an angry jello biafra

Seekingnate: next lets cut schooling so that kids can take 200 kid classes so that they won't ever get to question anything, they can just walk around believing everything they hear on TV, America's true God "in TV we trust"

NickNotSoupCat: wow, you should save this rant of yours

NickNotSoupCat: it's good

NickNotSoupCat: haha

Seekingnate: and then the money we save from this silly schooling we can use to give 32,000 dollar tax refunds to people in the top tax brackets and give 50 to 100 dollars the lowest tax brackets

Seekingnate: then like my hero Ronald Reagan, we'll cut money given to the states so that homeless programs and welfair is cut

Seekingnate: because if you don't like America "move to France"

Seekingnate: because we all know that given bigger tax refunds in a time of war is a great idea, we can just borrow out of Social Security and then demolish it later and the people who need it fuck them, they didn't prepare well enough

Seekingnate: oh yes and the war is going swell we had such hard time beating a country that's already dying from inside

Seekingnate: it's like fighting a kid with cancer

Seekingnate: so when Bush gets on TV and says "God Bless America" all he really mean is "TV makes America look damn good"

NickNotSoupCat: that's fucking true

NickNotSoupCat: and you sound like jello biafra, really.

Seekingnate: I don't know, how could anyone rely souly on their TV for information about politics, I mean the TV is there to make money, not to speak the truth

Seekingnate: and I'm sure there is truth but it's so one-sided it doesn't even count at times

NickNotSoupCat: i know it is

Seekingnate: I mean it's so interesting talking to my dad who is pro-war

NickNotSoupCat: it must be.

NickNotSoupCat: talking to pro war people is fustrating though

Seekingnate: it's alright because I want to hear every side then I'll make a decision

Seekingnate: I mean trying to convince people is very hard I agree

NickNotSoupCat: well i dont try to convince them that they're wrong, they just think i am so they get defensive and try to force their opinions on me

NickNotSoupCat: and it gets ugly sometimes cause they get mad and it makes me cry

Seekingnate: I'm sorry that sucks

Seekingnate: it is hard

Seekingnate: I mean the old saying about talking about religion and politics is true

NickNotSoupCat: i mean even talking to my dad, who is against the war is fustrating cause he still supports capitalism

NickNotSoupCat: he's against doing anything about it even though he doesn't think the war is justified.

Seekingnate: I know it is frustrating

Seekingnate: sorry Jen I have to do some things before going to class thanks for letting me rant

NickNotSoupCat: no problem

NickNotSoupCat: i gotta go too anyways

NickNotSoupCat: haha

Seekingnate: I'll see you tonight hopefully

NickNotSoupCat: alright

Seekingnate: bye

Seekingnate: late

NickNotSoupCat: peace

Seekingnate: yeah peace

Seekingnate signed off at 2:08:18 PM.

2003-05-01 - 2:04 p.m.

last night was just...awesome.

i was at the becky court house, they were having a party and people were drunk and high or whatever. but me and laura started a fire outside and heather and stephen came out and we just started this campfire outside. it was so cool, we burned old flyers and stuff. and then stephen tossed some wood on it so it burned for a long time and we just sat out there, warming ourselves by the fire. It was warmer out there by the fire than it was inside the fucking house. and then i borrowed patrick's guitar and we started singing songs and shit. and then people embarassed me by complimenting me. but it was fun when we all sang together. heather made up verses to blowing in the wind cause we all forgot the other 2 and it was really funny.

now i smell like campfire. hehehe.

2003-04-30 - 12:09 a.m.

My chest feels heavy, i feel so sad. my friend wants to kill himself and i left to go to class and now he fucking hates me or something. i dont even know the guy really, just over the internet, but this kid, he's special and i understand him and i think he understands me too. I dont want him to kill himself or cut himself anymore. he reminds me of myself a lot and i don't want him to be fucked up like me and want to cut himself with everything sharp he sees whenever he feels sad.

Feels like i'm bleeding inside.

Like i took a razor blade and cut my black heart into a million pieces but it still bleeds while it screams in silence. It crys as the blood seeps out into my rib cage and i choke on the feeling of death in my chest.

2003-04-27 - 1:07 a.m.

Your Heart is Black

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

YES. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO KILLED IT? LIFE KILLED IT. THE FACT THAT I CANNOT BE LOVED IN RETURN WHEN I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE HAS SLAUGHTERED HALF OF MY HEART. this of course does not apply to the only truly strong and lasting type of loya love, which is friendship. but unfortunatly, that seems to go to hell after awhile for me too.

i write too much in this diary lately...i think i'll take a break.

2003-04-27 - 12:41 a.m.

I know i wrote this on the SCA message board already but i like it so i'm putting it here because it's prom night for them silly high school students.

"To me, prom is just a bunch of silly jocks and preps that dress up and spend money on useless shit that they aren't gonna use any other time in their lives except for some stupid ass American "coming of age ritual" that doesn't mean shit to me. I respect that other people go and enjoy it, but it does nothing for me personally because it is a wase of time and money. Even if people i know and love were attending the event, the fact that i'd have to dress up like something i'm not to even appear at such an event discusts me because it violates my number one rule: stay true to yourself. I would be more inclined to go if the dress codes were not so sexist and facist because you can't get away with going to prom being yourself like at graduation where you can wear what you want under that silly robe that the facists at school make you wear. Tradition, HAH. That's a laugh. The more i look at traditions, the sillier they seem to me because people put so much time and effort into such petty little things and they spend so much money that could be used for other useful things on it. Prom is the perfect example. So what if it means your little girl is growing up into a woman, it's no use to spend money on a fucking over-priced ticket, over priced-outfit/makeover/hair thing/whatever else you do and the only valid thing in the experience is that you spending a good time with your friends. But i believe that spending time with your friends doesn't need to be involve spending vast amounts of money. You can do that elsewhere without the annoying people that make fun of you in school being there. maybe you all weren't as picked on as i was but i want very little to do with those folks, which explains why i avoided most school functions like dances and those football games when i could, (goddamn pep band...).

But anyways, for the reasons above, i think prom sucks."

fuck yeah. fuck prom, fuck high school, fuck preps, fuck jocks, fuck everyone that made fun of me and teased me and decided not to be friends with me anymore cause they changed and got "too cool" for me, fuck every new kid i made friends with that used me as a stepping stone, fuck all the gross guys i was nice to that started to stalk and obsess about me cause i was the only one that cared, fuck all the kids that ignored me in high school cause they thought i was dumb, fuck everyone and fuck everything.

now i'm gonna go back to my room full of red lava lamp glow and cry about how i'm destined to be alone or with some horny creep that stalks me...if i gave in i know they'd be happy but still. i'm glad nobody is stalking me right now.

AND I'M REALLY FUCKING GLAD THAT I NEVER WENT TO PROM.

minus punk prom, but that's just a gilman show that they dub "punk prom" cause they mock the whole prom thing. and it's only 5 bucks so fuck yeah. and jason webley is playing.

goddamnit i'm horny and depressed.

time to be emo and cry about my lonely existance.

2003-04-25 - 1:21 p.m.

yay, it's all fixed. thanks to the guy who runs this thing, sammy i think. yep. thanks. yay.

2003-04-24 - 11:27 p.m.

my diary is being poopy right now and i dont know why.

2003-04-23 - 3:40 p.m.

i think i relapsed last night.

i dont know if i'd count it as really re-lapsing, but i know i hurt myself on purpose. now i just feel worse for being dumb enough or mad at myself enough to do that again.

my arm looks all weird cause i tore at it, there's all these little red nail marks.

there's something bothering me but i cant pinpoint what it is.

2003-04-23 - 3:26 a.m.

fuck, i think my stomach hurts just cause i feel sick. and i do feel sick. cause i'm fucking tired and it's my period and im depressed about everything. i'm going to bed.

2003-04-23 - 1:46 a.m.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

i hate being alive right now. Not because my thumb hurts, not because im sleep deprived, not because i'm sore or on my period or whatever it is. It's because i'm so fucking emo lately it's making me cry. i'm really emo because i'm allways being stupid and saying how i'll never find anyone and goddamnit, it's true. that's what so sad.

i'm such a hypocrite. i tell everyone not to think of suicide and to not cut themselves when every single fucking day, that's what i feel like doing. all i want to do is hurt myself and think about suicide. it's an addiction. therapy was helping until today. i dont know why i feel so low. it's like, i was feeling really good about everything lately and then something stupid just pulls me down again. doesnt even have to be something that major, it could just be a little stress about booking shit for my band...like today. heh. but fuck it.

i feel like everything needs to be put on hold for a minute, my life needs a pause button or something. oh that was creative. i swear everyone has at least said that 5 times in their life. Everything is just kind of overwhelming. Everyone is just so different right now, i feel like i'm losing touch with people...and with the world. It's like everything is blurry and i'm fading away. Like when i cross the street...like holden caulfield says, when he's crossing the street he feels like he's dissapearing. That's exactly how i feel. Like when i cross the street i could just fade away.

If i slit my wrists i could fade away. i've never tried that before, i've always chickened out. maybe. like when you're drifting off to sleep, you just sort of fade away.

i was sitting in history class and the teacher was talking about high school and how everyone had their first boyfriend or girlfriend in high school. well not everyone has. i haven't. cause im such a big dork. and it just made me want to go back to tearing at my arm like i used to in middle school, just tearing at it cause my pencil wasnt sharp enough to stab, but i remember when i was 13. i just sat there in class, tearing the skin off my arm, clawing at it. i seriously was hoping that i'd be able to rip my entire skin off or at least start bleeding and then pass out from blood loss. then the pencil stabbing started. then i used the compass. it went downhill from there. the hot wax, the burning, the cutting, scratching, stabbing, punching, trying to break my bones with metal pipes, trying to cut off circulation to parts of my body using string or something, trying to bruise myself in any way possible, strangling myself, holding my breath and trying to pass out, fuck, the list goes on forever.

i never realized how fucking stupid i am until i typed out all the ways i tried to kill or hurt myself back then. that's just fucking stupid. i'm a dumbass, hah. what a loser. heh, and i'm still doing it, i beat the fuck out of myself at shows in the pit cause i know i'll fall down, i do akido, i skateobard, all things that make it easy to hurt myself. my stomach hurts cause i have to take a piss really bad. and yet i'm enjoying the pain. i can't understand why.

ok i'm gonna go take a piss.

 

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